Don’t be upset if people prefer another to you, it’s difficult to convince a monkey that strawberries are sweeter than bananas. Anonymous
Are you in a relationship that is making you feel bad about yourself? Are you doubting yourself or finding you’re having paranoid thoughts about your actions and their impact? Do you find yourself acting out in ways that you never have before? Are you constantly distressed and not sure if you’re relationship is coming or going? Are you isolated from your loved ones or has your self-esteem plummeted due to continuing this relationship? I bet you can’t recognise yourself anymore too… DROP IT LIKE IT’S HOT!
We have all encountered toxic people in our life, but for those of us unlucky enough to experience a toxic relationship, you will understand how these feelings and symptoms mentioned above crept subtly into your relationship and started affecting it, and how painful it is to let the person go – particularly because you will generally love them and care for them that little bit extra because they have needed you and dragged you down at the same time.
Sometimes we need to love someone from a distance and unfortunately this means the process of detoxing yourself from them. If your partner is putting you down, crushing your spirit or you have found out that they are cheating on you, this blog is for you. Today we look at how you can release yourself from a toxic relationship and get on with a happier life – even if it means being alone.
What is a toxic relationship?
According to Canadian Living, a toxic relationship is one that makes you feel consistently bad about yourself. You may find yourself fending off subtle jabs or downright insults, dealing with unreliability or perhaps even deceit. A toxic relationship leaves you feeling anxious, unrewarded and unaccepted.
Still unsure? Check out this blog by Love Panky about the different types of toxic people and toxic-style relationships. In some cases, some of these can overlap, some people may check every box. As Natalie Avdeeva points out, the types of people who are toxic are:
– Controlling
– Jealous
– Bitchy
– Negative-thinking
– They put you down
– They cheat on you
– They lie to you (don’t put up with lies!)
– They’re abusive
– They blame you
– They are extremely insecure
– They’re demanding
– They’re over-the-top perfectionists
– They’re narcissistic
– They’re competitive
– They’re manipulative.
Here’s a checklist of symptoms of a toxic relationship:
– It feels as though no matter what you do or how hard you try, you can’t do anything right
– Are they constantly putting you down?
– Everything is about them and never about you, when you make it about you – they quickly manipulate it back to be about them again
– You find yourself unable to enjoy the good times
– Are you so emotionally dependant on each other that you can’t do anything alone?
– You’re uncomfortable being yourself (which is why you lose track of who you are!)
– They refuse to allow you to grow or change
– Is there a constant drama and it always feels so far out of your control?
– They start controlling you until you feel completely lost and confused.
If you answered ‘yes’ to two or more of these – these are your red flags … GET OUT NOW! GO!
Can you fix a toxic relationship?
Maybe … but at the time it is toxic, definitely not. You need to muster up all your courage and find a place to escape far away from the person. The following steps will hopefully lead you to a path where you’re feeling back on track rapidly. It is better to cut this person completely free from your life, and not consider any point of return, than to consider any kind of future with them. Whatever happens, do not encourage the bad behaviour. You deserve better!
What do I do if I suspect I’m in a toxic relationship but I’m not entirely sure?
Keep a diary – then no matter what they say, you can refer back and see what the reality was for yourself. By keeping a diary you will have a heap of evidence to validate your actions and words and it will help you to rebuild yourself quicker.
Throughout a toxic relationship, you’ll notice your self-esteem will plunge while the level of self-doubt rises so high that you feel like you’re drowning in it. Every time you’re left, you will hate yourself, blame yourself and become overwhelmed by guilt. By keeping a diary of how the person is making you feel, their actions and words, you can look back and go: “Hold up – no, the reality was this! Here’s what you said and did, here’s what I said and did.”
What if I stay?
The hard truth is: generally these relationships lead to the toxic person cheating on you. Talk about adding insult to injury! So after all the pain you’ve suffered as they’ve crushed your spirit, you also have the pain that you never truly had them to begin with. This is why it’s important that you acknowledge you’re in a toxic relationship and leave EARLY – to save yourself any further pain. Look out for the alarm bells and signs of a toxic relationship they come in all forms mentioned above.
So how do you move on?
1. Be honest with yourself
Allow yourself to be entirely disgusted with this person for treating you the way they have. Cry – trust me, you will cry A LOT! Don’t blame yourself – you’ve been through enough pain now and you’re probably feeling quite exhausted. Tell yourself that you’re leaving for your own wellbeing – in order to truly love yourself, realise that self-preservation means severing these ties.
2. Prepare to become super-human
You won’t eat, you won’t sleep, you may take time off work to deal with things, you’ll cry yourself into a world of dehydration. There’s nothing you can do about any of this except ride it out until it’s over with.
3. If you have decided to end the relationship, be clear about it
Stop contacting them COMPLETELY. Cut them off. Do not enable them to contact you again. Block them out of your life completely. Do whatever you have to do. I know I shouldn’t encourage you to fight fire with fire, but sometimes, particularly when we’re hurting, if you do it respectfully it can bring us a sense of power. So, if you can’t be blunt to them about it or you’re having trouble ending it, then turn it around and push it until you have manipulated them into saying it. If they’re toxic and intentionally hurting you, trust me, it won’t take long until they make the threat – and then go with it, stick with it and don’t look back. Hit that accelerator and go go go!
4. DO NOT worry about their feelings
Toxic people don’t have feelings! Well … they do, but as far as you’re concerned from now, they don’t! Consider them narcissists, which means they don’t have feelings, but they will pretend they do, if that helps. Think about how long they’ve overlooked your feelings. So, trust me – just tell yourself they don’t! Why? Because it’s when we consider their feelings that we continue our self-doubt and we start to go back. If you find yourself with any level of concern for someone who is hurting you, stop yourself right there and tell yourself that you deserve better than your current circumstances. Trust the universe to lead you to a better reality – it may mean sitting with the pain for some time, but it will be worth it. Anything is better than going back and suffering at the hands of the toxic relationship again. In fact, I read a quote recently that said: “Sometimes giving a person a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed you the first time” … what about once you have given them a hundred chances? Trust me, if you haven’t made this mistake yourself, it makes you feel as though you handed them a machine gun and it’s not worth it!
5. Don’t try to replace the person
They say the fastest way over someone is to find someone new. This is not the case when you’re recovering from a toxic relationship. When you’re recovering from a toxic relationship, unfortunately you are exceptionally vulnerable, more than if you’re just recovering from a standard relationship break up. The chances that you will entice another toxic person into your life are extremely high. Don’t go with it. Take comfort in knowing that if this person has left you for someone else, the chances that they are truly happy or will be happy long-term are exceptionally slim. And you would have left them anyway because the relationship was toxic … so don’t worry!
6. Struggling? Read about it
Spend some time reading about other people’s experiences and advice about leaving a toxic relationship – it will strengthen you. I found the Between Dreams blog written by the gorgeous Allie, and I have to say: it’s absolutely FANTASTIC! If you’re leaving a toxic relationship, you will certainly identify with the things she says, here’s an excerpt from it:
“You want the real, uncensored truth? Because for me, letting go of people is hard. I fight for the people I care about, I want the best for them, and I want to be that person who stuck it out for the long hard battle. Because how can you just give up on the years you’ve known each other? The time invested into that very relationship? The idea of giving up just doesn’t enter my mind.
Then one day, you wake up. You see how unhappy you are. You now see the trance of negativity that’s been placed around you. You begin to wonder which way to turn…
You can write out your feelings, you can list out the pros and cons, justify whatever it is in your mind, give them one more chance, but all it takes it one thought to change everything. For me, it was this:
“Fuck this. I want a life filled with happiness, love, and compassion. And you know what? I deserve it. It’s mine for the taking, so why am I holding myself back?”
Hopefully, even after reading this small passage by Allie – you are starting to feel less alone, more empowered and find comfort in the idea of moving forward.
7. Accept that your time was wasted and the relationship wasn’t real
Realise, no matter what they said, the relationship was not real. If it was, you would have known all the circumstances (including if they cheated, when and who it was with) and been able to have made an informed decision. If it was real and you had recognised that it was toxic for you… well there’s no way any rational person would be in it in the first place. So the person can say what they like, but the entire relationship was fake.
8. Use visualisation techniques
Visualise yourself collecting all the beautiful things you said to this person, all the good times, all the money you spent, the time you invested … and rip it off them! It’s like snatching back everything they have taken from you. Now that you’ve got all these emotions and beautiful words you said to them back and they’re clear of the toxic person, put it straight back on yourself. You deserve all the good you put into the relationship – they do not. So using visualisation you’re collecting all the good stuff back from the relationship (everything that’s yours and nothing they ever deserved), packing up all your hard efforts, boxing every sweet word and good deed you did, and then dumping it right back on yourself. Guess what they have now? Nothing! Empowering, huh?
9. Communicate with them using only visualisation techniques
Use visualisation to scream at the person: “You’re delusional! Everything was FAKE! I could never love you because I never knew you!” It may sound crazy but it’s quite cathartic! Everything you want to do to them or say to them do it in your mind. Play it all out and be done with it. It beats any consequences from actually becoming self-destructive.
10. Detox yourself as much as possible
Be strong! This is where hitting SHIFT DELETE (hard erasing on your computer, beyond any point of return) on your keyboard is your best friend. Go to any photo, any letter, any memory of that person. Select. SHIFT DELETE. Delete their phone number. Delete their email. Lose their address. Rip up every hard-copy photo. Bag up everything you want to return to them and be done with it. Go on a massive, deleting, destructive mission. By the end of it you will feel as though the relationship is just … ERASED! Don’t get me wrong: you won’t feel good, you won’t feel satisfied, you won’t get your smile back for a very, very long time … but it’s less painful stuff to look at and remember.
11. Lean on people around you for support
Make a pact with someone you really trust and love, that you will not be in touch with this person again. This means, while you’re vulnerable, you’ll be able to rely on the strength of others.
12. Quit asking yourself why and trying to figure out what was real
You’ve been stripped of your dignity, you’re hurting to capacity and now you’re finding yourself torturing yourself with a million questions: WHY WHY WHY! These questions are better left unanswered – and sometimes they don’t even come with answers – so instead of asking, accept the situation for what it is.
13. Contact Relationship Free
If you are having difficulty recovering from a toxic relationship, contact Relationship Free. We will assist you with practical tips and offer the support you seek to strengthen or leave your relationship.
Don’t try to work out what was real because I can tell you now: it was all fake! If you had known the circumstances – would you really have been with that person in the way you were? Don’t give the toxic person the satisfaction of thinking it would be real had you have known the real scenario. Deep down they know it wasn’t real as well, otherwise they would have come clean about any deceit at the start.
If you are going to ask questions, ask them of yourself as a way of moving forward – this will empower you. Kris Carr wrote a really good blog about “How to identify and release toxic relationships”. Some of the questions you should be asking yourself to realise you were in a toxic relationship and start accepting the situation, come from her blog:
– Is the pain too great to stay the same?
– Do I constantly picture an alternate reality?
– Is it impossible to make boundaries?
– Is getting an apology (when it’s truly deserved) like pulling teeth?
– Does the relationship take more energy than it gives?
– Is blaming and complaining (coming from the toxic person) becoming really boring?
– Am I completely fatigued when I’m with that person and energetic when they’re gone?
– Am I afraid of what people will think of me if this relationship fails?
– Does the person make you feel as though you’ll be lost without them?
– Do I miss the old me?
I’ve walked away – now what?
Unfortunately there is no way to fast-track your way through dealing with the pain. There’s no potion to take it all away. Take every positive distraction possible. See a good life coach, psychotherapist or psychologist (preferably who specialises in relationships and domestic violence) if you need to. Chat to people – you’ll be surprised about how much support you receive. You need to sit with this incredible feeling of loneliness – it’s hurtful if they’ve left for someone else because your thoughts tell you they’re cosy, warm and feeling loved, while you’re left out in the cold – but don’t forget the truth: long-term, this relationship will not last either – and if it does, it’ll never be the same. There will always be discomfort, pain and mistrust. Consider your situation the lucky escape – well done, you’ve dodged a bullet!
Are you recovering from a toxic relationship? Please share your experience below.
Many people who come to me for assistance are actually suffering from narcissistic abuse, not a toxic relationship. Have you considered the difference? Find out more about narcissistic abuse and what you can do, here: http://bit.ly/1yq7A5A
Need more help? I’m a qualified life coach who specialises in recovering from failed, toxic and abusive relationships, whether they’re career-related, family-related or romantic. My prices are available here. This is in Australian Dollars (so if you're booking from the United States, it will be significantly cheaper at the moment - please check the exchange rate!).
Hi Sarah,
Everything written in this post perfectly describes how I feel and how toxic my relationship really is. It has gotten to the point I blame myself for how bad things are and I’m forever crying because it’s hard to be happy. I have had two life changing experiences happen over the past week and the person who said he would never leave couldn’t have left fast enough. My life has turned to shambles. My mind is constantly over thinking and I always thinks it’s my fault.
It’s Hard being in a city with no family for someone who doesn’t rectify his mistakes and support me like he says he will.
My story is unreal.
Thank you for sharing this. You have shown me a new light.
Xx
It’s like I wrote this! Tell me you’ve found some relief!? My head is spinning and my life has been so bad for so long I don’t know what is up or down. How do I get away???
Thank you for your comment Taylor, there is certainly life beyond. I’m working hard to share my steps with everyone so you can follow and achieve the same outcome I did. I’m now with the most wonderful man, have the perfect career and the most beautiful supportive friends, but what I went through to get here and this blog in particular: it was a massive lesson in letting go! And it was hard!! But it’s only as painful as you allow it to be. If I can assist you more, please contact me via email: . Best wishes, Sarah.
I am such a happy and joyous person but after being in a relationship with my boy for the a year months, I have cried and been depressed more than I can count. He had a pretty bad life style (partied and went around a lot ). His family aren’t his favorite thing. Anyways he changed his life around and of course am the first girl he gets into a relationship with. He is a nice guy , does a lot of Romantic things but he is the most controlling, jealous and tempered person I have ever met. I have almost no male friends; I haven’t gone out in a while. It’s not that am not independent but I just don’t like him screaming and pouting. If that’s not enough, he always lies to me and I always catch him. I tried to break up with him as I’m getting depressed in this relationship (he was depressed before he met me). The first time I tried, he put a knife to his wrist and told me he has nothing left of I leave him. But I stuck it through because in all these, I just thought he was doing what he thought was “love”. We then went long distance and after 3 months, I went to visit him (I invested SO much of me during the long distance) and I found out he was lying the whole time about doing drugs and talking to a girl that HE SAID liked him. He didnt cheat but lying about EVERYTHING for 3 months tore me apart. I was heartbroken. He did everything in his power to get me back (cried, begged and said he never cheated and he will never do drugs). I said no but then broke our NC and said yes (we were back to the long distance). He even partially blame me to why he did the drugs, saying it was because at the start of our relationship, I was very independent and talked to guys (I told him everything and the guys were not ones that liked me…).After that, he has passed all his drug tests but I just became so paranoid about everything and he gave me little things to doubt him. I constantly worry about what he is doing and i just couldnt function. I broke up with him 2/3 times but we always got back within the hour or something but I just had it because he didnt see how my pscyhy was affected. I finally broke it off yesterday. I KNOW i did the right thing but I feel like he used me as an emotional crutch because he said i was his sunshine and hope and he drained the energy out of me and I dont know, I am so emotionally damaged. why am I worried about what he is going through? There is no turning back from now on.
Thank you for contacting us Laly. It is difficult to separate from anyone we’ve been close to for any length of time because we bond with them, but particularly where it’s toxic or abusive – because trauma bonding can play a key role in keeping us attached to a partner that isn’t good for us.
Congratulations on breaking away again. If you are implementing No Contact, Kim Saeed who I work closely with has just released an eBook called “How to do No Contact like a boss!” which may offer some great tips and insight into how to do this and follow through: http://www.amazon.com.au/How-Contact-Like-Boss-Relationships-ebook/dp/B00RM9QV9Q
Because you feel empathy, it’s difficult not to be concerned for their wellbeing, particularly when you offered so much care and support in the past, which you feel has gone unnoticed by them.
My main concern is that you say he didn’t cheat but he lied about EVERYTHING… If I were to offer you any advice it would be to get a full sex health screen for yourself – for no other reason other than self care and peace of mind and once you are all clear you are ready for a full fresh start. In the meantime, focus on the light ahead, participate in lots of self care activities (exercise, get your hair/nails done, look after yourself that extra bit more, go to the movies, loads of girls nights etc) and all the things you do want that you are now available to go and find or attract into your life.
Hang in there – because the world needs the special love that only you can give!
I have been in a toxic relationship with a man on and off again for 5 years. We have a child together and now after everything we’ve been through I found out he was lying and cheating on me almost a whole year and he’s left me alone to go on happily with the new girl, dragging our kid into it too and punishing me so far as to say he knew he never even loved me and never thought he could feel so happy as he does with his new girl. I can’t stop all contact because we share a child and it makes me feel so trapped in the pain of knowing he’s moved on. I’m helpless to protect my little one from seeing dad jump from women to women and don’t know how to escape the pain and punishment and blame he sends me. I have few friends or support and it is hard to get out being so depressed. I feel helpless hopeless and so broken after.
I was in a toxic relationship and Sarah’s right. You can’t fix toxic. And if you want to, ask yourself why. You might have codependency or self-esteem issues. And you stay, this person will eventually cheat on you, and the abuse will get worse. You’re enabling their bad behavior by staying.
Sarah’s tips on moving on are great. I wish I had read and listened to #3, #4, #7, and #12 in particular. That’s what kept me stuck. I’d stay way too long or I’d recycle the relationship after the breakup thinking it will be better the next time. It always got worse the next time. I fooled myself into believing who she was during the idealization stage was the real her and she was just going through something when she was behaving badly. I’d like to add stay away from social media and mutual friends. People like to talk and that can trigger you. It definitely triggered me. But I’m 4 months No Contact so far.
James,
How long before you felt any relief once you started No Contact?
Thanks for the post Sarah, I have email u hopes u receive cos I need help
I’ve been on and off in a relationship with a guy for ten years the first five years were perfect however the next five have been hell. We are young and I’m a firm believer in living life to the fullest we agreed to part ways to become whole individually instead of two halves trying to make a whole. A few weeks after the agreed upon separation things were on good terms till I found out he’s been having a girl stay with him because she is homeless. I don’t know the truth or reality of that situation I do know however I’m in a great deal of heart ache and I don’t know if it’s right for me to feel this way since we agreed to part ways and figure things out. He still talks to me almost everyday and at least once every couple days tells me he loves me I feel that it’s very toxic. What makes it more difficult is the amount of support we both have and we have both been told that it’s obvious how much we love each other but we need to take this time apart. I’m so conflicted on my feelings and if this is a toxic relationship I feel as though sometimes I’m blinding myself from reality. This article is amazing but again I’m conflicted. Please advice if possible thank you.
I’m having a hard determining whether to leave my ex completely out of my life by blocking him or just move along and see what happens. It’s been back and forth for five years now and our love is not questionable however I feel as tho my heart is just a game for him he comes to me when he needs me or when his life falls apart he becomes an amazing person and than leaves again it’s never ending and it’s killing me. Please help
Hi Sara,
Thank you for your question. It sounds as though you’re in a lot of pain from this relationship… I have two questions: first, have you tried cutting contact with this person completely? If so, how did you go? And my next question is: what is it about this man that keeps you going back when he’s treating you as though your heart is a game?
The answers to those questions may hold a lot of the reason for your pain as well as help you to step a way a little easier – particularly if you can find a way to fill the void without him.
Hang in there – because the world needs the special love that only you can give!
I’m in a toxic relationship. it’s hard to let go– I went from being a vibrant person to someone I know longer recognize– I lost 2 jobs, gained 20 pounds and lost all my hair– he has verbally abused me and threatened me with a knife– he is retired from the Military– has lied to me, cheated on me– lied about the number of biological children-found out he had 7 kids from his initial 3. His women , including ex-wife has contacted me . He also has a record of mental illness and diagnosed with PTSD– WTF is wrong with me! I know I deserve better! And what I need is a dose of self love and run like hell.
Hi Deanna, thank you for your comment. It’s interesting timing that you mention you need a dose of self love – I agree. Do you know the steps to take to make this happen though? I just wrote an eBook and it’s now available for pre-order on Amazon – it centres around this notion of obtaining self love in a really practical way. It’s called 100% Self Love: The roadmap to the love and life you desire and you can order your copy here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WOAMG88
If you are still in this relationship, please get more specific help by contacting me or visiting your local domestic violence centre for more information.
Take care of yourself, because the world needs the special love that only you can give.
Thanks for the wonderful insight into A) Identifying a toxic relationship and B) moving on on from one.
I definitely relate and I do find that occasionally reaching out to others and reading about their experiences is a healthy part of the moving on process. It makes us feel less alone. So thank you.
I was in a relationship with a beautiful woman. She adored me. She would sing my praise non-stop (in the beginning) and really lifted me up. She was sexy, smart and really seemed like a total gem. She wanted to be with me as often as possible and spoiled me with love letters and surprises. Told me none of her ex’s could ever compare to me. In hindsight I suppose this was the idealization phase. We quickly fell in passionate love. Throughout the next year our relationship started to become more and more tumultuous. The passion was still there, the great sex, the so called “fireworks”….. but little things started to become issues ; me going out with friends without her, me having to work too much (I work a normal day job like anyone else), not giving her enough attention..These types of things caused major arguments. In the final month things took a turn for the worst. I became aware of her infidelities and confronted her. She cried and even threatened to hurt herself when I told her I was done with her. She said her acting out was because she has a hard time keeping friends and no one loves her… She actually successfully made me feel so flipping bad for her with her “poor me” song and dance that I let her back in. I mean I thought I loved her, or still had some feelings and wanted to take care of her? I guess… it’s hard to understand your emotions when you’re in a toxic relationship like that. After that, serious verbal, emotional and some physical abuse followed.
I was so lost, alone and confused. Her neediness and threats of self harm ended up costing me my job. I eventually got the courage, called my mother (who is an angel) packed my bags and moved about 700 km away. I deleted her off every social network platform, I blocked her number, and just like that I NEVER spoke to her again.
It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and truth be told there are times when I miss the good, fun and really passionate stuff…. I think about her often. But I just have to remind myself that it’s for my own good to not look back. I haven’t looked at any of her profiles once since the day I said bye for good. I just won’t do that to myself.
It’s been 5 months no contact. Im way better than I was 5 months ago, but it still gets tough sometimes.
I do have to go back to the same city where she lives. Thankfully I got my job back lol. My plan is to keep a low profile. Being that were both gay socialites and the community isin’t all that big, the chances of us running into each other are pretty high. I’m not looking forward to that one bit. Any tips on how to gracefully go about that unpleasant..yet pretty inevitable encounter?
Anyways thanks for the forum. And thanks for the input. xo
Thank you for your note Kate, and your feedback, I’m pleased you found my blog helpful.
It sounds as though you’re very self-aware and have a great understanding of the relationship you have been in – and I commend you for leaving because it can be extremely difficult to break away from an abusive relationship. On that note, I’ll skip through to respond to your question and if you want more, please contact me again.
What specifically are you worried will happen when you meet with her again at a social event? You can actually prepare yourself as much as possible for this event simply by visualising how it will play out. Be in the moment as much as you can in your visualisation – smell the smells, feel the atmosphere, hear what’s happening around you, see who you’re with and who’s around her etc. By exposing yourself to the experience through this visualisation you will be better prepared for when it happens in reality. Continue to go NO CONTACT. Visualise how that looks. What would it be like to see her again with NO CONTACT in place? That means no eye contact, no communication etc. how will that work out?
Congratulations on getting your job back – that shows you really are looking after yourself now. Keep going the way you are, because the world needs the special love that only you can give.
I met a guy 16 months ago and we were together for 6 months. We instantly clicked, our connection was electric. I did have gut feelings of things not too good when we first met but i based that on being afraid of relationship as i hadn’t been in one in 3 yrs. Anyways I found out he had been cheating on me with 2 different girls. None of us knowing about the other but i was the one he called his girlfriend. The other girls knew they weren’t his girlfriend but they believed they were the only girl in his life. I also found out he had been trying to get other girls to meet up with him. After many arguements we ended it but I haven’t been able to put him out of my life completely. I have a love for him that i don’t understand. I know exactly what he is like yet I still allow him in my life. Since we split up in June 2014 we have still seen each other and on most occassions we end up together again. Spend a night or two together and then behave as friends. He knows I have feelings for him even though I shouldn’t. At times I feel very strong and don’t contact him then i give in and i text him. I felt very strong this week and didn’t contact him for 5 days then he text me about another matter and it sets me off thinking about him and kind of missing him. At times i realise it may not be him that I am missing but his charm. He is a liar and a cheat and put me through terrible times that have messed my head up. I describe him as toxic, that is how I came across this article yet I can’t say goodbye to him and I do love him even though I can’t honestly say many good things about why I love him. I just love him or maybe love the idea of him. Im so confused
Hi Sarah,
Thank you so much for the wealth of information you share on your blog.
I am having a very difficult time staying clear minded in my situation. I have walked away from a ten year relationship and it has been so painful. We were in long distance for almost 4 years and I moved from my home state to his home state 6 years ago. The entire time I’ve been living out here (up until this last October) he was living at home in his parents house and stuck in a dysfunctional family situation that included his parents marital problems. They constantly pulled him into the middle of their issues and used him as the main form of communication between themselves. About 3 years into me living out here and witnessing this interaction take place over and over, I started to distance myself from his home. His excuse for not staying with me and visiting my place more often was that I failed to make my bedroom (particularly my double size bed) more accommodating for him. It always flabbergasted me since he knew my financial situation and I was a college student with a college student budget living in a city that has high rental rates. Basically, he said it was my fault for not making a sanctuary for intimacy. I always thought it was crazy! Especially since he was living basically rent free at his folks house and hoarding away his money.
With that said, I have lived on my own this whole time, finished my degree in the meantime all while waiting for him to “grow up” and hopefully decide to share a place with me and grow the relationship.
Finally, in October 2014, he moved out of his folks house when it came to a boiling point inside himself that he could no longer tolerate living under their roof. He moved into a shared situation with a married couple who ended up with their own marital problems and separated within 2 months of my boyfriend living there. This turned into him sharing the house with the newly separated woman, since her husband was the one who moved out. It turned toxic quickly where there was a lot of pot smoking, drinking, and the woman bringing home random men from the bars and sleeping with them. (My boyfriend even walked in on her having sex with one of them, which left me terribly disturbed.) I felt soooo uncomfortable and didn’t trust the situation whatsoever, specifically this woman he was now living with. I’m turning 34 (bf is 32) years old this month, and I felt this behavior to be so immature and something kids partake during early 20’s. I told my boyfriend the situation was not OK for me and the fact he wouldn’t even consider finding a different place to live, left me feeling very powerless and discounted. Then the final blow happened in January, when I found out he went on a secret trip behind my back to Hawaii (a place I often voiced to him I wanted to visit together and we never did) with a female “friend” of his. Heartbreaking for me to find out. Talk about betrayal! This is what led me to separate myself from him. The immaturity and lack of responsibility on his end is what is tearing me apart. It’s as if he justifies all of his actions and choices and won’t take responsibility or own his stuff on his side of the street. Blaming me for not meeting his needs with sex and girlfriend duties. Ridiculous!
I have been seeing a counselor on a biweekly basis for over a year (started when I needed help with grieving the loss of 2 grandparents) and I know it’s been helpful, yet I feel so stuck in an illusion of hope and a vision of a relationship that may be my own fantasy that was never real. For some reason I am holding onto a hope that he will come around and be my Prince. I know nothing is wrong with me, yet I don’t know why he thinks I’m not worthy of living with!?
Needless to say there is definitely some toxicity in this relationship. I don’t know why I stayed as long as I did waiting for him to grow up! I’m upset with myself and disappointed and hurt on how this has played out. I haven’t seen him since February, went 2 months with no contact…then he texted me a few times and my head and heart have been spinning. When I replied to his texts, he never responded. Manipulation games? I also think he is smoking a lot of pot (not certain, but have a strong feeling about it).
Today I blocked his number because I can’t emotionally handle this game I feel is at play.
Your feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Tara
Hi Tara,
Thank you for getting in touch and sharing your story.
Congratulations for stepping back and walking away – that is an action to be celebrated, because it’s not easy. What you’ve done there is put your self worth back on the map and demonstrated that you do care about self preservation.
Have you heard the saying “Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are?” What sort of people do you really enjoy being around? Whatever you choose says something about you outside the situation and rarely is it ‘She’s a nice girl, she just wants to help that loser get back on track’ – which means it particularly applies to who we select as our partner. Choose carefully.
You identified that perhaps you were in love with the fantasy more than the reality – which was a great insight! I’d recommend you now concentrate your energy now on building your own self esteem, self worth and self trust. Use everything you have left to recover properly. And hang in there because the world needs the special love that only you can give.
This is not so bad compared to what others have shared.
I am a very empathetic person, and I was in a relationship (distance relationship) with a guy for roughly 4 months. I analysed him and realised he was suffering from something, but he never liked to talk about it. We used to be friends in the past and that fooled me into trusting him too. I wrote to him once that he shouldn’t find his happiness in others, but look for it himself. Once he mentioned to me : ‘maybe it’s true.’ just as a hint, but didn’t want to talk about it. I was feeling uncomfortable because I was not getting what I wanted, and although I had my doubts, I didn’t say a word, thinking I could ‘help’ him raise his self-esteem. (My mistake perhaps).
I left from his place for the airport and asked him if maybe we need more time together about this, I sent him a text, and he said he’s sorry but he can’t be with me now. Why didn’t he tell me before? When I was there at his place? When I got home, 2 days later I checked facebook and he had cheated on me, putting up photos of himself with another girl on facebook. I was hurt, and sent him (stupidly) a message saying: ‘Don’t avoid things’ and not thinking clearly about what I was about to do, I started ‘fighting’ with him, over the internet, through e-mail, telling him to change his behaviour. I wasn’t realising I was putting myself in the ‘victim’ behaviour, but it seems I was looking for something he couldn’t give me anyway. He said I had trouble ‘accepting people’ and I stupidly believed it, why? Why was I basing my self-worth on his opinions anyway? The thing is, he didn’t even realise who he was when I was with him. This ‘fight’ was infact me opening myself more, trying to analyse what I was doing ‘wrong’ and the situation was making me even more stressed than ever. I told him he has low self esteem and that’s why he doesn’t commit to things. Anyway, I didn’t realise I was doing what he ‘wanted’ me too, by being someone who sacrifices myself often for others (NOT ANYMORE) I thought I could ‘help’ him, but in fact, I was giving, giving giving him advice, and not realising I was trapping my own self. I take things seriously, but sometimes when so drawn into your own issues too, (I experience a lot of suffering in my family) I thought I would act selflessly to help him, when all he needed was a simple self-esteem boost, and I realised I was giving it to him by being unhappy myself. He is someone very manipulative, self-centered and stubborn and I found this out gradually by the way he was reacting to my e-mails, but I was winding myself up for no reason.
It was like a black hole I was being dragged into, and he was using my insecurities against me. I could feel his behaviour was misleading but I was too drawn in to save my own soul. Anyway, I kept blocking him, and this went on for a about 4 months. I didn’t even want the guy back; I wanted to teach him a lesson about how to not to ‘deal’ with people, but half way through I turned the mirror upon myself, telling him what I feel (perhaps I was trying to get my back by ‘manipulating’ him to feel my pain) but anyway this went on and off, on and off, until I finally realised I had been so tense and anxious I started looking at sites about manipulative behaviours. I got out of it in the end, but I’m glad I learnt a lot from that experience.
I couldn’t figure out in the end whether I even loved the guy or not I was so wound up, but I cared, when he clearly didn’t. His replies where so cold, and he told me from the start that he didn’t love me. Anyway, I am always a person that gives, and I’ll be doing so but being more careful next time. It’s nobody’s business but his own to deal with his own problems. I realised the ‘damage’ I was doing myself after, but thank god I have an open mind and open heart and I didn’t fall into depression, just got very anxious and tense. He is a control freak.
I learnt it’s not up to me to try to ‘fix’ others, I should just go away. Next time, I’ll know to run away.
Avoid all people who are self-centered, and weak, who need a crutch to develop themselves.
Now I know, instead of writing all that to him, I should of just written it to myself.
He even told me he was manipulative, and I agreed, but then I just felt ashamed to have ‘hurt’ him, when in fact I was hurting myself. Never self-blame!! You have no obligations to ‘help’ toxic people, especially when they make you believe it’s your fault you decided too, and that you should ‘fight with yourself’ to understand them. They know your deep understanding for others, and just use it against you. You just go round in vicious cycles.
STOP and go away instead of trying to ‘get your back’ I learnt that now.
God.. Reading about your experience made me feel better about mine. Similar circumstances here. And I would blame myself for still being around and trying to “help” him when all these people do is play on our empathetic nature and drain us emotionally without ever having an intention of loving us back. They’re not capable of loving any one but themselves. Their lives are all about what feeds them and they don’t care who comes under the bus in this endeavour.
I suppose we can never “fix” people like you said. People who genuinely need help and want to change can do with advices but its up to them to change. Not suck the life out of someone else and manipulate them into being your pet everytime they want to feel good about themselves.
It’s so hard to leave a toxic relationship. I’ve been married for 13 years, and this is the third time I’ve seriously considered leaving. We have a 5 year old son, which is why I haven’t left yet (but maybe he’s why I should leave). My husband is a police officer – always a police officer. He’s controlling and verbally abusive. He doesn’t call me names, and he’s not physically abusive, but he yells, balls up his fists, and makes me feel like crawling into a ball and crying myself to sleep with his mean, blaming tone. He’s followed me to work before. He has quietly come home late from work and “watched” me without telling me he’s home. He has printed out my phone records and has gone through my phone. He has never wanted joint savings/checking accounts. He works a LOT. We hardly spend any time together anymore. I’ve talked to my family members about it, so he hasn’t been around them for a few years. I’ve found 11 different hotel charges on his credit card statements over the years (3 recently), but he always has a story – they’re for football meetings (he plays and co-owner a semi-pro team) or they’re for his daughter (from a previous marriage) when she’s working late. I’ve received a call from another officer telling me my husband cheated with his wife, and he thought I should know. My husband says that officer is just getting back at him because he knows something about his private life. I saw an email with a different woman sharing nude pics of herself, and my husband asked for more, but he says “a friend was there using my email”. I found a sappy relationship card in his car. There’s a lot of blaming me for things I’ve done wrong, especially during the times I think he’s cheated. I feel isolated. I don’t do fun things anymore or have any girls night out. I haven’t really loved him since the beginning of the marriage. Why am I having a hard time leaving?
One more thing: my husband said recently he thinks I should move to the spare bedroom and pay half the bills (even though we agreed years ago that I only work 2 days/wk so I can stay home with our son). The past few days he’s been very nice and wants us to work on things. This is a pattern for him: he gets all the anger and frustration out and then seems fine, but he doesn’t realize how it affects me long-term and has robbed me of my joy.
Hi Polly, thank you for sharing your story with us and you raise a very valid point that I want to highlight. Many of us have a belief that police are there to ‘serve and protect’ and we often depend on this. But what happens when they don’t do this and they let us down? We need to do it ourselves! And the question is, how do we do that?
I’m curious as to what’s stopping you from doing fun things and having a girls night out? I actually made a video about this the other day – you can view it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67Hjqq0cNWo
For more support, contact us at Relationship Free and keep working to make yourself stronger, because the world needs the special love that only you can give.
My husband and I have been together for 20 years. He cheated on my early on and then came back. Then 4 years later he did it again. He came back again. Now 8 years later he has cheated again this time with a girl 13 years younger. I filed for divorce because he kept lying and lying about everything and now just 7 weeks later he moved across the country with her to start a new life. We have two beautiful girls that he just abandoned for this new person in his life. We had a very toxic relationship from the start but I would have fought forever for him and I think I lost myself. I have been very successful in life and he was very jealous of that. I am heartbroken that he would choose someone else and discard his family as if we are nothing.
was together and then married my ex for just under 9 years, he left me 2 times in our marriage because he couldn’t decide if he could take marriage life. The second time he left in 2012 he said he wanted a divorce he left me for 4 months and I started to sell the marital house but then he decided he cant live without me. I took him back happily, but I had made a decision to travel.around the world for 10 months and he said he would join me.
But 5 months in he decided he cant take me or my family anymore . He didnt like them and to be honest my family was never keen on him either. He had emotional outbursts and the one he had when we were in argentina was very unpleasant.
I was very hurt even though he apologised later we decided we should go our separate ways when we got back home. I.left immediately after we got back home to go to see my sister in australia. Then I announce that we are divorced and he says he cant believe it. I tell him but you and I discussed it and there was no other way. He says he cant believe it but he doesnt say he wants us to change anything so I get a job in far east and I leave in jan 2014.
But we still have contact and tell each other we ae family. Just cant live as husband and wife. Mainly cause he thinks im boring and doesnt like my family and feels he has been disrespected. He hasn’t spoken or met my parents since 2011.
I still love him and miss him dearly all of last year and we keep in touch via phone and text, mainly driven by my need as im all alone in far east having left everyone behind to get over the divorce.
all of a sudden in sep last year he begs me back saying he has changed and wants all that I want family and all and he has no more issues with me or family. I dont believe him and I think he is just saying words thst I want to hear. He tells me his love for me has even changed. But I didn’t believe him.
I was so hurt from the previous 3 years of rejection.
I said im not in love with you no more only have love for you. But it wasnt true I was just tired of his flaky behaviour. I didnt believe he had changed.
I fell into a deep depression of which im currently struggling with. He called me again and asked why we cant be together now he has forgiven our past and he wants a family with me he just doesnt have any money. He can hardly support himself but since we have love we can do it.
I told him we have too much baggage – my heart ached for him and I cried so many times over the phone for him. I told him I tried to get over you by dating a guy a few weeks but I kept thinking of him I just dint know how to get back to us. So following this a tells me he has a gf a has accepted our break up 0. But throughout our conversation he keeeps bringing up past – First good memories and then bad (in his eyes) behaviours of mine and sometimes even his. But he excuses them away saying he was young and so were I (we were both 33 when we divorced). I started to get pulled more into emotions while he started once again to pull back. He even told me after 3 months he doesn’t even care if i call or not although 2 months before he told me i was the love of his life and he would always have permanent love and respect for me.
I am now stuck on moving on. I am desperate ly trying to move on in my thoughts. I know in my mind he is not worthy of me cause he treated my love so carelessly – one minute he wanted me then the next he was shouting how he can’t stand me. I know I have to let him go but even after 15 months after our divorce I still have love for him and Im also in pain for all the things he did to me and that I accepted. I accepted his coming and going abd telling me that only if he had money i would go back to him when told him thats not the case but l think I was too nice to him even when we broke up. He could blame the break up on me.
When in reality he broke up with me 2 times, 2012 and 2013.
Any advice to find ways to get him out of my thoughts?? I dream of him every night and they are all nightmares. Where do I go from here? I do guided meditation every Night to stop nightmares but as he is in my thoughts 24h I dont know how to get rid of him.
Hi Kee,
Thank you for contacting me.
I’m wondering why you want to keep in touch with a man who is entirely undeserving of you? What do you love about him? What do you miss? If you can find out what those things are, then find out how you can fill those gaps yourself. My guess is that you’re feeling isolated and lonely – but you would have felt that with him anyway, so how can you fill that? How can you make yourself feel whole and connected again? Potentially some inner child healing may be beneficial for you and give you a new lease on life.
I am glad you are hearing your intuition when you say you don’t believe him. Keep tuning into this and keep listening.
The minute that man said he doesn’t care if you don’t call – is the second you hang up and promise yourself you’ll never call or text again. And follow through with that. From what you have been through, does a part of you think this man is wasting your time?
My best advice for moving him out of your thoughts is to instigate NO CONTACT immediately, don’t take his calls/texts and don’t called/text him. This is where you break away. Block him from every channel you can. Be brave. And reward yourself on your journey – do everything you want to do and be strong and confident. Trust your journey!
The nightmares are normal as you process everything you’ve experienced. This is even more reason why NO CONTACT is so crucial here. Every time you’re in touch with this man you reset your healing clock and you will need to restart all over again.
Well done on the meditation. A self care plan will be very beneficial for you as well.
Use your willpower. Every time he comes to mind, remind yourself of all the bad things he did with one word “Kee, he is a narcissist” and try to settle yourself down a little. It’s ok to hug yourself and sooth yourself at this time. Be there for yourself as you would a friend.
If you would like more detailed personalised support, please contact me for an appointment via email: .
Best wishes,
Sarah.
Sarah,
Thank you. I stumble upon this article and it has given me hope in my decision to let go and do no contact and not feel guilty for it. I’ve blocked the person’s, that i care the most about, number. I was 19, now 21 when i met them, they at the time were 27, now 30. For the first 4 months it was great, they were great. But the closer we got the more issues and problems i found out about them, yet i still loved them. Then things started to become a roller coaster and i know they are toxic to me. Over the past 2 and a half years i have not yet come across a person that has not told me to let it go. Their own mother who has grown to be like my own mother has told me at one point to stop talking to them before i get hurt. I invested in everything i have in this person that i no longer have. They tell me over and over they love me, they don’t deserve me, i would be the perfect girlfriend etc. but never commit. I guess what I’m trying to say is..i want to stop having feelings for them and i know that no contact is the way to go however, i don’t want to feel guilty for letting go and hope that they won’t resent me for doing so. I’ve read all the comments and it gives me hope that there is better waiting and that I’m not the only one who has wasted their time. Thanks again
Since my separation 6 years ago from my spouse , Dating has been a nightmare. My assumption too eager to move on, feel someone wholesome.
I dated a guy who pledge he desired everything pure. Then I find out he resides with some one and was moving. Ok. He moved yet, he always had to check in with me whether I was visiting. If I wasn’t he seemed gravely disappointed. Yes, check in on him one night my self got answers.he was laid up with another woman because I had to work.
THE Next Seems To Be On A Sexual Bucket List And Nothing more. I am out of that.cant and won’t be with a man who is insensitive.
No doubt toxicity is every where, and I have uncovered we become what we put out there. Best to be vigilant and not become lost
I’m in a similar, very painful situation.
I got out of a long term loving relationship and ended up in a toxic one. This person was emotionally and mentally unstable and living two lives at the same time. One in front of his friends including me and the other sick one where he was still trying to break off with his ex, about which none of us knew.
The face had for us was strong and charming. Funny, good looking. He asked me out and I found myself falling for him. It went on nicely for a couple of months where he was still leading these two lives that I didn’t know about. He would talk to his ex, fight with her and then call me for comfort and be this entirely different person with me. Caring and comforting.
All the time we hung out. (We worked at the same hospital), I did have a feeling he had space issues because he was a little secretive about his family and his previous life, but I thought that was probably because of his bad relationship. (He had told me that it had ended really badly and was horrible etc)
I’m generally very empathetic by nature. In return to the care and attention he gave me, I also listened to what he had to say and felt bad that he’d experienced something so horrible.)
After a couple of months, I confronted him about where it was going, and he said that he could never imagine it going any further because of (enter a million lame reasons here) and that he was sorry for involving me and dragging me along when he was not ready for anything more.
He started being rude and distant afterwards. We were colleagues so there was always interaction. He would sometimes do these little things and make gestures showing that he cared and be crazy the next day. Do something nice one day and be abusive the next. I told him maybe we should talk about how to go about it all considering we’re in the same working environment. He wouldn’t. He would push me away and when I left, follow me around like a dog. Tried talking to him many times about it. By this time, I was pretty much really attached to him cause we would be together all day. There was no closure. I put up with his emotional behaviour, his bipolar attitude, his attention to these other girls to make me jealous, childish attitude.. Everything. I couldn’t find closure. Every time I ran away from him, he would find me and say all the things j wanted to hear. When I would give him a chance, he would start acting rude and aloof the next day. We were a group of friends so there was no way of totally avoiding him.
I decided to just show up and not talk to him at all. I took a friend into confidence so it wouldn’t be as hard. He would make it a point to know where I was, how I was. Send me stuff, call me in the middle of the night saying all the right things and then push me away the next day. I fought it off for a while but I had some personal issues going on to, I started to lose those fights with myself and I gave up. I let him treat me like that. He would emotionally, verbally abuse me and I would leave. Disappear. But he would know where I was and show up with apologies. Make big statements in front of our friends.
By this time, I knew this wasn’t right. It was destroying me. This emotional manipulation. I had become really depressed and with low self esteem. I thought I’d be never able to fight it so k stopped trying to fight it. I just. Gave up all my emotions. His emotional neediness drained the life out of me. I had to be at his beck and call all the time. He had to know who I was with. Where I was with. I usually didn’t tell him cause well what business of his was it, if there was no future for us. He would find out over other people’s Facebook and fight. We would fight for hours and I would cry like a loser. I became his dog. He would pretend to care and kiss me impulsively and I would let him. And he would tell me that he would not let me go and things like that. And even though j knew better, maybe a part of me wanted to believe in his goodness.the next day he would pretend like nothing happened. I hated myself but by this time had accepted that I was too weak to fight this cause I had lots of shit going on simultaneously. I found it hard to eat or sleep. I was always drained and pre occupied. Everybody around me started noticing and I was recommended professional help. I was scared of reaching out cause i was ashamed of my behaviour.
I moved to another city after my job ended and it started getting better. I changed my phone number I blocked him but he found it out somehow and contacted me there, saying that he’s had all this time to think and that he admits he’s been a douchebag but it’s because of what was going on his life. He confessed everything. How he was with his ex and me at the same time. How he was abusing me because he didn’t know any better and that he was pretty messed up. That he found comfort and respect in me so he used all those crazy ways to not let me go. That it was pretty toxic with his ex and it messed him up. And he wanted to become a better person and wanted to start with apologising to me for how he wrecked my life and that he didn’t want anything else from me and would spend the rest of this time making up for all the shit he did and that if ever I needed him, I only needed to call and that he was thankful to me for restoring his faith in humanity and for showing compassion to him when he was such a monster.
I listened to the apology and I said all I had for him now was this that I would try to forgive him. And that I didn’t want anything to do with him. I told him everything about how I had felt in those two years and that he had intact been emotionally abusive and harassing and it had done a lot of damage to me but I wanted to get out of it now cause I owed it to myself. He took responsibility for everything. I was fine with it. He wouldn’t contact me again.
Two months went by and he respected that I didn’t want anything from him. He was done with his ex and apparently trying to live a new life. Two months later we ran into each other at a friends party and got to talking. It was normal. He seemed like a better person. He was very respectful and kind to everyone. He said he owed that to me, because apparently I made him realise that he needed to get his shit together. Everyone else also talked about how he had changed over the past two months.
Now. He reached out to me again. I told him that whatever was in the past was gone. He said he didn’t want anything but to just be friends, for the sake of everything. I thought about it and refused at first. He would text off and on and it seemed harmless so I thought okay maybe be would be colleagues and friends. (Bad,bad decision)
Things went fine. He was extremely respectful and caring but we would sometimes talk about the past and it started to lead to those conversations where you stay up all night and talk about your fears and dreams. This was a new kind of thing with him and he said he had not felt this free before. I started to notice something else though. That he had become really emotionally dependent. Or maybe he had always been that way and I had never known because we spent all that time fighting earlier. I started to notice that he was clingy. Caring but clingy. Sone times with self pity. Talking about how messed up he was and that he was glad he was out f it but this happened and that happened and his ex was a psycho (that I have to agree she was, I found out later who she was).
This sort of disturbed me and I thought I was going through troubled waters again. This was a new kind of disturbing cause he would say he had feelings for me, text/call all the time, and I have to agree it would be fun. We would laugh and talk about crazy things and about real stuff. Fears and dreams etc. and there were a couple of really beautiful tender kisses. At the end he goes like there still isn’t a future for us and I’m like wtf. I felt like such a loser. Such a fool. That I thought I was sensible now but turned out I was still a fool. I went into this intense self loathing miserable phase.
Then I decided okay maybe a lot of it was my fault for being stupid enough to believe that an emotionally and mentally unstable person could be lived with. Even with this new version of himself, he would always make me look guilty whatever happened. And come out as the poor suffering victim of emotions every time. I realised the problem was that this was his nature and it wouldn’t change no matter how much I wanted it to. I was deeply attached to him what with all these years spent together but j owed it to myself to stop letting him drain the life out of me. I told him I was going to leave and he begged me to stay saying how he hadn’t been closer to anyone else and that this meant I was leaving a friend in trouble. I told him all this time with him had driven me insane and that I’m tired of being this stupid person now and I want to get up and make my life right. Then he’s like I want to help you like you helped me. I made you this damaged person and I’m going to help you get out of it like you helped me get out of my shit. I was like you can’t be that person for me considering you’re who it’s all related to. And I left.
Now I’ve blocked him everywhere. About time. I have self esteem issues and doubts. Self loathing because I should have had a control over my attachment and done all this before and I’ve attended sessions with a therapist.
I would really like if anyone else had something to say that would help me in this regard cause I’m really done.
Hi Distressed, thank you for sharing your story with us. Do you feel you may benefit from a complimentary one-on-one session to work out how you can get started to overcome these self doubt issues? I’d be happy to help you. Best, wishes, Sarah.
Forgot to add that this time, we would hang out and he would impulsively kiss me. And then say later that he didn’t mean to. And that he wanted to be friends. Later, he would call day and night and tell me where he was going and with whom and asking where I was etc and being all possessive like I was his girlfriend. Why the f are you kissing me one day and begging me to stay and then saying you can’t be with me the next and that you shouldn’t have kissed. Then saying I should let him “help” me the next day. Then saying that he had feelings for me. Then saying that there was a potential girl in the situation.
I have to be crazy for putting up with this.
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and its been a rough go at it. Like any relationship there were bumps in the road but for the last 6 months it has been unbearable. I am not a perfect person and have never claimed to be. It seems as if my mistakes in life have been turned into what characterizes me and if I stay I will be reminded on a regular basis.
I had a previous toxic relationship that I got out of and it destroyed me. Lost 50lbs, couldn’t eat, had to go to counselling. When I try to discuss this with my boyfriend it turns into me being in love with my ex and “why don’t you just go back”. I feel like the bad guy because I need to talk about it, and thought that I was in a safe place to.
I’m not sure from the old relationship I am holding on to some insecurities, but I feel like I can’t do anything right. I feel worthless some days.
I just feel like I’m this horrible person now. I cannot do anything right. I’ve become antisocial which is very unlike me I’ve been very social since I was a child. I can’t hold conversations anymore. The highlight of my life is going to work.
I feel lost and alone. I don’t know how this happened. I thought that when your with someone you don’t have to feel alone anymore because they are there to help you when you feeling down.
The problem in all of this is I love this man. When its good its good were happy were laughing there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. But when we get back here all I do is cry and lay in bed. He knows what happens to me and claims I do it to myself and then proceeds to get mad and request I leave him alone.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know a way out. And its a scary feeling.
Hi Lisa, thank you for contacting me. It is scary when you feel stuck in the wrong relationship for you. I’m certain we can work on this to get you feeling better. If you’re interested in organising a one-on-one consultation with me, please get in touch via email: . Best wishes, Sarah.
Hello, I am currently working on trying to get out of a toxic relationship but giving the circumstances I feel that it is hard to do so. I am pregnant and want to hold on to the relationship for the sake of the child but I know im better of without the child’s father. I keep calling him and texting him telling him that everything is fine we can get through it but at the end of the day I know we’re bad for each other. He loves the fact that he has control over this whole situation one minute he wants to be with me the next he’s telling me it’s over and we can never be together and it’s my fault we can’t because I did xyz. Please help me.
Hi Janae, thank you for getting in touch. Please contact me directly to organise a one-on-one consultation to discuss this further. My email address is . Hang in there, Sarah
I have tried to forgive them, let them go, but no matter what they turn around and turn everyone against me. They make me feel alone and like I’m in the wrong even if they are the one who started the fight. I’ve tried cutting out contact over the coast of the school year but we have the same friends. And unfortunately they are the only friends I have so it’s not like I can just leave. Recently I thought we we’re doing fine but one of my friends just broke the news of everything she has been saying behind my back since April. Starting off with how she had used one of my friends phone to pretty much cyber bully me over text. Andt I don’t think you would do this but I don’t want you turning around and saying you never said that and the list goes on and on. Now my friend who told me this just hung out with her and is no longer admitting to saying any of this. It makes me feel like I’m crazy and alone. With the school year coming in less than 2 months. I am getting more and more anxious to even go there. Worst of all we are supposed to go to a concert together this July and I don’t know if I can anymore but we already bought the tickets and I can’t bring myself to confront her cause I’m scared that my other friend who told me this information is perhaps lying. I’m just so confused.
Hi Nia, if you would like to organise a one-on-one consultation with me and iron out your confusion, please contact me via email on: . Best wishes, Sarah.
I was in a toxic relationship. For 6 years. It started right away with jealousy and moved towards being controlling. I was constantly put down and criticized, hurt. At the same time I was told how much I was appreciated. It was my job to do everything and I mean that. I had to do absolutely everything including all of the dishes, laundry, cooking all of the meals, generating the majority of the income. If I wasn’t making enough I would be told that I wasn’t a “real man”. She would sit in the bedroom on her bed all day and complain about how crappy her life was. I eventually cheated on her. I know it was wrong, but I wanted to be somewhere where I felt appreciated and that other woman did that. She found out and we tried to fix it. That didn’t work though because from that point on she had something else to use against me. I tried to show her how much I loved her. I continued to do everything. I continued to shower her with gifts and as much affection as I could. Eventually, we parted ways. That was 3 days ago. She’s already with somebody else who she met during one of our past break ups. He was with somebody else when he met her and she was devastated. But apparently hes the right one for her now. I don’t think it will last. I know I’m hurting a lot. I’m trying so badly not to hurt. I tried to make it work. But it just didn’t. Your article helps a lot. I know I made mistakes too. I should have broken it off when it was bad instead of cheating. I feel a lot of guilt over that. I hope the pain will eventually end and I will be able to look at everything more clearly. It’s so hard to see clearly. I know it was bad but it still hurts. Why does it have to hurt so much when logically you know it’s the right thing?
Hi Gordon, thank you for sharing. Unfortunately toxic relationships become like anything toxic: addictive. That’s also enmeshed with the bonding that comes with any relationship – which is why when breaking apart it can be so difficult and painful, although logically you know it’s for the best. If you think I can help you with some more steps to keep moving forward, please contact me at and we can organise an appointment. Best wishes, Sarah.
Everything in that article is spot on, but I don’t know what to do still, I’m 19 been in this relationship since 16. We’ve lived together since I was 17, and to be honest it started getting toxic around 3 months after we got together. Our relationship has been a constant battle of he said she said. And always putting each other down. No matter what I do nothing is good enough! We have ‘broken up’ 3 times (lasted a day) in the last 4 months. It’s gone down hill and I cry every second day, because I’m the ‘slob’ I’m the one who can fix this relationship apparently.. If I change! I get told that everyday. I know my relationship is toxic but I really do love him. But I need to get out, and even after this article I am still not sure how. Where would I go? What would I do? How can I be alone? Who would he go and be with? All these questions running through my head and it’s driving me insane. I don’t know who to go too anymore.
Hi Kiera, if I can help you at all to resolve these answers, please contact me directly to make an appointment – . Best wishes, Sarah.
Please can someone help, I can’t find the answer’s anymore…I’ve been with my partner 15 years, i feel down trodden, like i can no longer express myself or opinions, I actually love going to work to get away from him, I’m so happy at work & dread 5.00pm when i have to go home, I was always so independent & confident, now I’m scared to say anything in MY own home. But, i just can’t find the courage to make him leave, i keep asking him but he always stall’s, makes me feel so bad so i then feel so guilty i ask him to stay. I’ve become estranged from my family & friends, I’m afraid to do things on my own, i feel i have to ask him if he minds that i do stuff. I have no interest in my hobbies of sewing etc anymore, everything is just too much of an effort for me. I hate what I’ve become, which is a lonely, over weight middle aged woman. Is it me that’s just given up trying, i don’t love him anymore, his monthly rent money is convenient for me, there has been no intimacy for 2 years…Am i the toxic one ?? I’ve been having an affair for over a year now & I really want to be with the new guy, he adores me & i do him, it’s not escapism from my reality, but I’m so afraid to stand my ground & make him leave, any advice would be so beneficial to me, thanks.
My partner comes from a very unstable background, both his parents physically & mentally abused him & his sister, it was a very violent childhood, with no money in the house, his father in & out of jail, very little food, He became estranged from them about 5-6 years ago due to “shame” his family bought not only to themselves but the rest of the family. Thing’s have been going down hill for atleast 2 – 3 years & i feel so afraid to make him leave, It is solely my home & all i want is my life back in my little home. Why can’t i stand up to him ?? Why have i become so weak ??
i feel like I’m not alone after reading this and the comments, I have been in a relationship with my ex partner for 9 months and when I met her everything was amazing, speaking to her was the highlight of my day, she was excited about me and beautiful and fun to talk to and get on with, we seemed to just click, she was very demanding of my time and we were long distance so constant texts and phone calls lasting all night, I enjoyed it at first and then 2 months into the relationship she needed to move and moved in with me, I put her up and paid for everything, she told me she was going for interviews for jobs and there was always an excuse as to why she never got the job, always so I felt sorry for her. (It later came out that she had turned down one job as it was weekends and she wouldn’t see me at weekends so she didn’t want to do the job) It became a big issue in our relationship along with the fact as she had moved down I never went out alone anymore as I felt sorry for her, when she had been drunk a few truths came out that she had been lying to me about; her age, that she had been going for interviews, that she would be getting benefits and paying me to live there, even that she was left handed? (Why she would lie about that I don’t know) it left me confused, I have already been suspicious but she made me believe that I was in the wrong for doubting her. And then when she admitted it I was in the wrong again because I knew she was lying so it’s not her fault, she then physically attacked me and threatened me with a knife, I managed to get her out of the house and then later that night I got arrested (no charge because I hadn’t done anything wrong) while I was in the police station she stole money from me and made her way back to where she came from, at that point I had no contact until she was in touch with me and sent me pictures of her cutting herself, I went and ‘rescued’ her and let her live at my house again, she actually got a job and I believed things were changing until I went out on a hen party that had been arranged and she took drugs in my house and even with one of my friends (I will never know if they slept together) then they both lied and covered it up, I asked her to leave, since then she has threatened and harassed me, had me arrested several times when she has physically assaulted me, and I still feel although I love this girl and want to help her, I can see she is toxic the hospital have said they think she has emotional personality disorders and needs help, she is adamant she loves me and she is even still living in my town now I don’t know if to terrorise me or because she actually loves me I feel as though I am totally confused with the whole situation and want the girl who showed me she loved me rather than this person who seems to want to destroy me while smiling and saying she loves me. Why can I not let go?
I finally divorced my alcoholic husband after 23 years of marriage. This was my second marriage and again, as the first, married an abusive man but in an entirely different way. First was physically and emotionally abusive ending after 6 years and 2 children. Waited 15 years to marry second husband who was emotionally abusive but in a very sly, passive-aggressive way so I never really knew where I stood with him. He was an active drinker and drug user the first years we were married and I would have divorced him then but I had another child at age 41 and didn’t want to be a single parent again.
I stayed and spent 23 years in an emotional vacuum other than the joy I received from my son. My husband got ill and stopped drinking for about 12 years. As soon as he recovered he returned to drinking and by age 59-60 he had liposuction, hair transplant, new teeth and cheated on me with a stripper while I was away.
Due to fear of being alone at age 60 stayed another 3 years and in 2014 when he came home at 2:15am stumbling drunk up the stairs I said THATS IT…IM DONE.
I left him and not once did he ever even try to reconcile or apologize or show any interest in me again, my ego was and is bruised even though I would never go back to him…he’s had several girlfriends already…but I’m still doubting myself and sometimes I find myself obsessing about his lack of love for me for over 23 years.
I feel like I’m faking happiness when I’m out with friends but inside am truly hurting. Don’t know when I should be getting better. I haven’t lived with him since January of 2014 and our divorce was final January 2015.
Have no desire to date because I don’t want to waste my time and energy on all the wrong men out there.
Not lonely but not happy.
Kori
Thank you for sharing with us, Korina. If you would like support and specific advice, you can now make an appointment here: http://relationshipfree.com/appointment
I was in a relationship for almost 3 years, my gf was 19 when I met her and I’m 5 years older than her, she was going through a divorce when we met and we sleep together the first night, she chased after me and I though she was really into me so we started seeing each other more and it became a relationship. 6 months into our relationship, I was working late and she spent the weekend with her ex husband they had sex and she told him she loved him. I forgave her and things seemed good, but after a couple months things got bad she was abusive, mean and always blaming me. We broke up again and got back together 2 weeks later, during the break up I heard she was sleeping at a guy’s house I know he’s 36 but she said nothing happened. She ended up persuading me to get a flat with her so we moved in together, but her drinking and behavior and fighting, flirting with other guys got worse after 5 months living together I told her to move out, cause she was getting drunk and hanging out all night with her best friends husband, and always causing fights with me, she moved out, and I found out she was having sex with so many guys and 3somes and sleeping with her best friends husband well we dated, she even broke there marriage up and is now seeing him.
Hi Dave, I’m sorry to hear you experienced such a tumultuous relationship – that would have driven most people to dizzy heights. It sounds to me as though a lot went on here. Value conflicts being one of them. But more importantly, how you were feeling about yourself as this happened and continued happening. If you would like to make an appointment to discuss this further and get personal support, you can now make an appointment online here: http://relationshipfree.com/appointment/
Im in a very toxic marraige i cant get away as he refuses to leave and laughs in my face calls me sluts tramps pysco liar the list goes on ive never even as much as looked at another man its like he hates me im so hurt feel so worthless have no self esteem feel suicdal at times as ive no way out i cant leave as i have 3 children n he just refuses to go point blank i work full time pay all the bills mortage child care food everythimg he works full time also pays nothing! My sole is distroyed over him im bearly keepimg it together in work dont no what is gona become of this situation i have no family either for suport
Hi Minnie,
It sounds as though all your self love has drained away over time, which is the intention to keep women in this kind of relationship. My biggest suggestion here is to start caring for yourself, start demonstrating self love and the rest should flow. If there is anything I can do to assist, please contact me.
Best wishes,
Sarah.
Dear Sarah,
Thank you for this wonderful article. The moment of peace while reading your words is such a relief and a breath of fresh air. It has had such a therapeutic effect on me and obviously many others. It’s really nice to see it’s not biased towards women being in toxic/emotionally abusive relationships as so many other articles are. There are men like me that are devalued and left traumatized by toxic women as well.
-j
Thank you for your lovely comment, Jay. It’s support like this that keeps me going – much appreciated.
I wish you all the best in your recovery and if there is anything I can do to assist, please contact me.
Best wishes,
Sarah.
I could relate to this article so much. I have just gotten out of a toxic relationship. The guy is still making me feel like it is my fault though. Me and this guy have been on and off for 3 years and he completely up and left me in the summer. During the time we were not together i madeout with 2 guys. Also he had another girl, who he supposedly” didnt even kiss”. He ended up getting back with me after 2 months of me waiting for him to get out of that period of talking with the other girl. He didnt find out about the 2 guys until later on after we got back together. I thought he knew or else I wouldve told him. Ever since he hasnt been acting the same. He never really made me his first priority in the first place but now he was ditching me, taking his ” girl that is a friend” out to eat with another couple when we didnt even go out to eat. We got in multiple fights about him not making time for me, even though he had football 7 days a week. I am an athlete too but during my season I made time for him. He just started to seem so uninterested but still wanted the more sexual things. Eventually we got in a big fight before his states game, he didnt want to talk about it until the day after because he was stressed for the game, which I understand. So even though we werent in a good place, I stayed after the game to kiss him and tell him good job. After I found out that another girl had his # on her cheek. I found out they were texting for some time and he was flirting. After I cut him off he blamed it on me for him basically cheating. He said it was “my fault that he fell out of live with me” . I am so depressed from this, and everyone says it wasnt my fault, but I still feel guilty. During this time of him acting different I still gave all my time and effort. I did everything I possibly could to stay with him, even though I was getting treated like shit. Was I at fault here or was this just a toxic relationship?
Hi Kylie, thank you for sharing. What’s toxic mean to you? To me toxic is addiction: something that makes you feel bad but you just can’t help keeping it in your life and find it difficult to let go of. From what you’ve described, I would probably call that toxic – you obviously didn’t feel good and it sounds as though there’s plenty of emotional manipulation thrown in there to try to keep you in your place. With the blame game, that’s generally projection and your guilt, you may find, is probably more because you gave up love for yourself in order to love him. My biggest suggestion is to concentrate on yourself. Fall in love with you again. If you’d like to make an appointment with me, you can contact me via my website: http://relationshipfree.com and even book an appointment online for further support. Take care and good luck! Best wishes, Sarah.
Thank you for the response, that helped me a lot!
I am very thankful for coming across this site – with so many helpful and point blank advice that I really need right now.
I just recently (yesterday) broke it off with my boyfriend of a year. He broke up with me over a text. A TEXT message. After all that we had been through, I think that hurt the most although – it is actually helping me realize how terrible he was to me.
My (ex) would behave in ways that I would think were so odd, and quite frankly questioned his emotional stability. I always had a few red flags I was worried about but kept them to myself for fear of thinking I was just scared, and making them up. On my birthday, he pitched a fit because I hung out with my girlfriends. He got wasted, and cancelled my birthday dinner. Break up number 1. Then a week later, I took him back and we decided to try again. It was great for a few weeks then things started to go back to being terrible. I eventually moved in with him (stupidly) because he offered me extremely cheap rent in an area that is extremely expensive. I skeptically took the offer, even though I didn’t feel fully ready. Come a few months down the road, we broke up again. He got jealous that I was with co-workers at my brand new job. Saying that he thought I was sneaking around behind his back. Mind you – I have NEVER done anything to jeopardize our relationship, I was more than loyal to him. We got into a screaming match and I left, packing all my things in hand and my Dad helped me get OUT. Saddest part was my Dad seeing this terrible side of him. When I was getting all my things, he said “time to party!” and put all my things outside of his house. He told my father that I was controlling and overly nagging to him about everything. My father just ignored him (although I know he wanted to rip him a new one). We left, and it was extremely emotional. A week or two later .. he found a way to come back on Thanksgiving day. Refusing my answer, which was NO I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU. Yet he somehow figured out a way to come see me. I was weak… I invited him into my house and the rest was history, we got back together, AGAIN. Here we are today, and it has now been two months since our rekindling. Keep in mind, we had tried counseling, which only seemed to be making things more clear for me? We had gotten into an argument about me moving in again. I told him I was not ready, but he insisted I needed to because he needed the money for rent if I was staying there, which I was to be fair. He pressured me by saying that if he got a roommate, he would party and his house would be like a “frat house.” This man is 31 YEARS OLD. Our therapist called him out and said, don’t you think you are really punishing her for this? In the back of my mind, I knew it wasn’t right to move back in. Here I am today and after another argument, I get a text saying “You took it way too far the other night and I want us to break up.” I found a new place, and I am moving in tomorrow. I am officially OUT and I have never felt so free.
Sad as it is to say – this man was the sweetest, kindest person if he wanted to be. He called me beautiful, he told me I was perfect, he told me he wanted to marry me and be with me forever. He promised me security and safety and made me feel as though he was the only person who could do that for me. I say this because I want women to beware of men that rush into a relationship, and beware of the charming words. If it feels OFF, or TOO SOON – IT IS!!!! Follow your gut. There are more men out there who will make you feel safe and secure and beautiful without having to overly compensate for it with words.
Thank you all.
Thank you for sharing with us, Jo and for that good advice. Best wishes for the next part of your journey, Sarah x
Hi Sarah, thank you.
I do have a question that I am really struggling with. How do you know what the difference is between the abused and the abuser in a toxic relationship. This is something that is very hard for me to grasp. Especially because I am beating myself up over things said, I am sad that I hurt his feelings or said mean things. I feel like the worst human on the planet for some of the things I have said.
Hi Jo,
You’re welcome and that’s a really good question.
Truth be told, in toxic and abusive relationships, there’s rarely “a bad guy” – and police will back me up with this. Sometimes they get call outs to domestic violence situations and it’s very difficult to tell victim from villain. Just because one person does something wrong, doesn’t necessarily mean that the other person hasn’t done anything or that they’re sitting pretty as an angel … in fact, let’s be real here, how often is that the case?
Generally in toxic and abusive relationships, neither person is behaving as they could and should. Obviously one partner may be more extreme in some ways than the other, and this doesn’t cancel it out or make it ok – it’s not an eye for an eye, but it may explain the guilt you’re feeling. I link it back to “fairytale thinking” (I discuss this concept more in a book I’m due to release shortly) because in our society we often think there’s a “baddie” in bad situations and something we need to accept is that it isn’t necessarily the case.
Fact: Two generally good people may not get on as lovers, and that’s ok.
Your feelings of guilt and shame are valid. It’s nothing to beat yourself up about – you’re not the worst human on the planet, so please try not to tell yourself that. You’re also not the only person to have felt this way! Perhaps there’s some lessons among this pain that you could learn from and take forward with you, trying to find these is more productive than bashing yourself up.
In my experiences where I’ve behaved badly in past relationships (we all have non-proud moments, Jo) and when I’ve become overwhelmed with guilt after the relationship breakdown, it has mostly been because that particular person hasn’t right for me. And the fact that I couldn’t accept that, made me hold on for longer, it was usually the cause for heightened arguments (because I was putting in all this effort for exhaustion) and that made me feel even more guilty when it ended! Not only guilty for my partner but guilty for putting myself through it. Make sure the guilt your channeling is going in the right direction here. In my situation, what I needed to learn – and this took me time, was that just because he wasn’t right for me, didn’t mean that no one was right for me. It also didn’t mean that I was the “problem”. It just meant that the breakdown of that relationship was ok and that it would be ok if I left that relationship and eventually found someone else.
I guarantee you will be ok too. Give it time.
I hope this helps. Sarah x
Hi, Sarah. I work with the person I need to walk away from. I see him every day. I hear his voice across the room. Crazy–I can even smell him if he’s nearby. Do I quit my job? He and I have been passionate-crazy lovers for the past 10 months. When I end this, it’s going to hurt to be anywhere near him. What should I do?
Thank you!
Sincerely,
Annette
Hi Annette, thank you for writing to me. The fastest way to end pain is to cut contact and begin your healing journey – just remember, every time you initiate contact (even to look at a photo of them), you undo the work that’s been done and your healing needs to start all over again. So try to rip this band-aid off once! If that means you need to leave a job, that may need to happen. The best suggestion I have is not to let it stunt you but make it work for you instead. Find another, better job and then leave – your entire career does not have to fall to pieces because of a broken relationship. You can still cut contact and work with someone – it may not be comfortable at work, but you can get through it. Limit the time you spend with him and don’t open communication, keep all responses short and closed. You’re entitled to your privacy. If you need more assistance at all, please contact me – I’ve been where you are and I definitely remember how it feels and the steps I took to safely get out of that situation. Best wishes, Sarah.
This all is so true, I’ve been married to my husband for nine years this past January. When we first met, I met him at church. I was young and didn’t know how to spot the signs of addiction. When i married Daniel he was first everything. First love, first kiss…once we were together he changed. First he started drinking, at first I was ok with that. A few drinks once in awhile, soon became fifths of liquor, thirty packs, and tall boys. He was literally drunk from the time he woke up, to the time he passed out from drinking to much. After about our second year of marriage, not only was he drinking all day he graduated to heroin and crack. At first I didn’t know why he was having very strange behavior cause I had never experienced some one on hard drugs. There were days he would climb out our bedroom window and just not come home for days. Then when he did come home he was either nodding out or so paranoid it was beyond bearable. That’s when I discovered his crack pipe in the jacket pocket of his coat and broke the Shit out of it as he screamed at me for it. When he would get so trashed there were times where I couldn’t even fall asleep because he would throw up and not roll over so to make sure he didn’t die I’d have to watch him closely. Once he was a little more sober while I’m cleaning him up I’d get a lecture for making him look stupid to No one cause we were in our home because I was cleaning him up. He stole my car while I was at work and wrecked it because he bought beer and thought he would go joy riding. He cheated on me with a chick off Craig’s list and lied to my mother about why he was having to go to this house. Unfortunately I have taken him back twice, and regret both times now. The last time I left him was 02/04/2016 because he placed our son in knowing danger. By leaving him home alone while I was at work. My son is two…this last time was the easiest time to leave him because my sons protection and well being is greater to me then his stupid dumb ass. Cause I left the same night he left my son, the very next day Daniel is texting me about his he’s having such great sex with his cousin Becky and how she’s a true women cause she’ll never leave him. But to me good riddens, I’m so tired of stupid people and addicts and lies and I’m sorry baby it’ll never happen again and then turn around and do the same thing within the week sometimes the very next day. I’m doing good now, my parents right now have been my rock getting through this. But I find myself checking their Facebook pages and getting disgusted at the banter back and forth and I’m over her afraid to even go on a date because I see deception in everyone….sigh when will I get over this? How do you stop seeing monsters in everyone you meet? Or is everyone the lying piece of Shit my husband is?
Thanks desperate to move on,
Jamie
Hi Jamie,
Thank you for reading my blog. This post has certainly been one that many identify with – which makes me realise I wasn’t alone at the time that I wrote it! Addictions are exceptionally damaging not only for the person with the addiction, but also to the partner of the person who co-dependently stands by and often enables the addiction, whether they want to be part of it or not.
I think anyone in your shoes would’ve broken the pipe upon discovery their partner was doing hard drugs, the way that you did. There’s nothing wrong with you, Jamie. In fact, in a way I want to commend your courage for breaking the pipe into a million pieces, but in another way I want to say: while you did the right thing by him in that moment, you did the wrong thing by you … because you still stayed in the relationship. Throughout your comment I can see just how much you put this man so much more above yourself – I’ve been guilty of that, heaps of people have. Healing from that is really painful – because, think about it: you’ve virtually said “This dickhead is more important than you” to yourself, day in and day out, as you look after him and make sure he’s ok, safe and happy. What about you? What about all the compromises you made for him? What about all the times you missed out on things you wanted? What about when you had to go without a car…? The first step in healing from all of this will be fairly simple in theory but difficult (and even frustrating) in practice: you need to forgive yourself. Start with a simple apology – looking in the mirror at yourself and meaningfully say “Jamie, I know what you went through, I was there … I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I made you stay as long as I did. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it right as I kept promising you it would be. I’m sorry I put you through that … I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. That’s over now and I PROMISE YOU we’re going to keep moving forward this time” – or something to that affect, and I’ll need you to stick to that commitment with yourself and follow through with it. I talk more about this in my book I’m about to release: 100% Self Love, the roadmap to the love and life you desire.
When I spoke about enabling someone with an addiction earlier (even if you don’t want a part of it), I wonder if you instantly related to that? Because, that was you, Jamie. That was you when you were there, lying awake, checking to see he didn’t die in his own vomit. With you next to him, doing that for him, he didn’t need to take any responsibility. He knew he’d live – because you were there to ensure it! So why bother quitting or facing the fact that there’s a serious problem? I’m not saying you’re to blame, but it’s important to acknowledge the role you’ve played here so you can regain your control and also recognise (because I know how hurtful it is being co-dependent and having a partner with an addiction), that you ARE worthy and deserving of better. While your partner would likely have been putting you down and lowering your self esteem all throughout this time – verbally and emotionally abusing you, it’s important to acknowledge anything said was just another lie. The irony is that they do that to lower your self esteem, so that you will stay with them and put up with more of their toxic junk. You’re not alone.
You really have been through a lot with this man and I can totally understand why you stayed. I remember when I was in a similar situation and a little voice inside my head kept saying: “Sarah, you’ve come this far…” But you know what? He’s cheated, he’s manipulated you, he’s hurt you, he’s destroyed your car, he’s lied to your mother (which I can promise you would be an indicator he certainly lies to you) … he’s put your gorgeous young son in danger. What is it actually going to take for you to cut this off? He can’t be trusted to look after your son, so first and foremost let me urge you not even to fall into the temptation of ever trusting him with such an important task again. If you were to leave your son with him, you either risk losing your son to authorities or worse … you may lose him because something terrible happens. I’m thankful you’re not waiting around for that. You can do better than this, Jamie and I’m certain you know it somewhere deep inside – let’s access that tiny tiny tiny little voice that you’ve silenced for so long and turn it back up to a fierce roar!
I was so relieved to read that you’ve returned to your parents – your support network. That was a very, very good decision. However, if there’s any parting advice I want you to action immediately, it’s that you need to cut contact completely, which means NO looking at their Facebook. Every time you get tempted, do something else:
– Make a playlist of songs about courage that inspire you (one of my favourite healing songs was: Des’ree – You Gotta Be)
– Go for a walk in nature (bush walk, beach walk, whatever works for you)
– Watch movies that also promote courage to remind yourself: You’ve got this! My choice of movie was The Hunger Games
– Find a mentor, someone who has experienced or is experiencing similar and check in with them instead.
There are also groups on Facebook that support men and women who have experienced abuse. For some people this can be useful, for others it can be triggering. You may want to check it out but just be honest with yourself as to where you sit with it. For me, I went on them for a little while and when I saw some people in those forums are toxic and keeping others down, I pulled the plug and sought my own help. My suggestion is to seek help from someone who has experienced domestic violence and abuse who can identify with you.
The fact that you’re scared to date at the moment is NORMAL! And if anything, I encourage you to embrace that. You may be single for six to twelve months (I was – by choice, because I embraced this fear), and it was the best time of my life! It takes time, but you will get through it. It’s normal to be skeptical of everyone after you’ve been abused – I went through that and suffered massive trauma symptoms following an abusive relationship – if you keep on your healing journey you will get through it. Keep yourself fit and healthy and make your first thought YOU! If you don’t like it, if it doesn’t make YOU feel good: don’t do it. Your trust will rebuild in others, once you’ve had time to rebuild your self trust (this is really difficult, but it’s possible). I can help you with that too. Once you trust yourself not to let another man like him back into your life, you’ll find you start trusting others again. You’re not alone, Jamie.
I would love to work with you more if you would like to book a one on one appointment with me to start rebuilding your self esteem and self worth during this time, shift focus off them and fast-track your recovery. It’s entirely up to you. My prices are available on my website and my email is on the “Contact” page.
Let me know if I can support you more. I hope to hear from you either way and I hope this is helpful.
Best wishes, Sarah.
PS. I am a female.
Hi Sarah, I have been in a relationship with this guy for about six years and we were engaged. We had a very good relationship and did a lot to things together. He eventually started changing his behavior, phone calls stopped and he use to say things like I need to change my dress style or I was old (which we are a year apart). He was also overweight, which was never a problem for me and he would also begin to complain that he was too big and just say ugly things about himself. He was very insecure and became very accusatory. I couldn’t understand why all of a sudden he would make such remarks about me or himself. I tried to reassure him that I loved him unconditionally but he never registered with him. Well I eventually found out that he was having an affair with someone sixteen years younger than him. She told me that they were trying to have a child and were planning to be together. After I confronted him about it, he basically said it was not true and that he really loved me. He admitted to the affair because he said I stopped loving him in ways he need and I didn’t have time to go anywhere because I had to stay home and care for my mom a lot (who has Alzheimer’s and when we met, she was living with me). He basically said the relationship go boring but he was sorry that he stepped out of the relationship. I felt that it was my fault because my time was limited and I forgave him and tried to work on it. I later find out that a child was born to the relationship and he admitted it. I accepted it and I’m trying to work though that the their court battle as well. In the meantime, he has started complaining again saying he wants space to breath sometimes, he doesn’t answer his phone and he’s just beginning to act the way the did when he met the last female. Every time I ask him about seeing another person, he gets upset or says that he’s tired of me questioning him. when I decided to give him space and not contact him, then he accuses me of having someone else. He complains a lot, he says I stress him out, he may come around to see me two to three days a week. We use to go to church together, but now he disappears on that day and I have no idea what he’s doing. Every week I experience some type of mixed signal from him. This relationship is so exhausting that I think I am slipping into depression. Every time I try and talk to him he says that I’m tripping and everything is fine. When he knows he has hurt me, he either sends flowers, buy me things or schedule trips for us to take (going to Bahamas next month and I’m so hurt right now) Sometimes I feel that he is seeing someone else and when I try to move on, he accuses me for doing wrong. He’s gotten to the point now that he says, he loves me and he’s not going anywhere and neither am I. I feel that he has basically lost respect for me and the relationship and I don’t know where to start to get myself back on track. I feel like I made a mistake by not getting out when the child came up but he made me feel so guilty that I stayed. He’s so selfish and it’s always about him. I’m so drained, tired, frustrated and scared. Every week I never know what to expect from him or what new excuse he will come up with for not communicating with me. I know that I’m not going crazy, regardless of what he says. Don’t know where or how to start..
Hi Roshell,
Thank you for writing to me and for taking the time to read my blog.
From what you have described, I can almost say with 100% certainty that you are suffering at the hands of a partner who is narcissistic. Narcissistic Abuse is a cycle (similar to domestic violence) and it goes like this: Idealisation (the calls, the compliments etc) to devaluing their target (turning the compliments into insults and stopping the calls and/or pretty much anything their target likes) and discard (they literally just dump you – and if you dump them, brace yourself for the narcissistic injury). There is nothing wrong with you and you’re certainly not alone in your experience. Allow me to share some more resources with you. Kim Saeed specialises in narcissistic abuse recovery and I do as well, after having experienced it myself – she wrote the following blogs:
– Here’s how it may feel with the cheating: http://letmereach.com/2014/02/22/how-you-became-the-other-woman/
– And here’s what’s actually going on: http://letmereach.com/2014/08/10/the-narcissist-the-ex-and-the-new-girlfriend-the-art-of-triangulation/
The narcissist is completely incapable of love, because – like a psychopath – they don’t feel empathy. This is why they also seem so insensitive about their affairs and they so easily abandon us completely and go missing for days at a time. They are also completely obsessed with appearance. If you do a quick Google search you’ll be able to find more symptoms that may show you that this person you’re seeing falls in this category. I don’t agree with labels all the time, however I do find it helpful in this case. Once you identify a narcissist it can be easier to walk away from them because let me assure you: there’s other men out there that are the opposite of this who would love to be with you and who will treat you right.
First you need to go on a fairly decent healing journey. I strongly recommend working with someone who specialises in narcissistic abuse or working with a psychotherapist who specialises in inner child work, that can take you through some deep healing.
Escaping my narcissist was one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done in my life. If he thought he won: he was wrong, wrong, wrong! And yours will be too!
Another resource that may help is Brene Brown. If you don’t know Brene, she is AMAZING! I strongly recommend you check out her stuff. However, this talk on Blame is particularly relevant – it may help you to understand it more and see what an unattractive feature it is that he has in blaming you all the time, and what should be done instead (in a healthy relationship, people don’t blame because they’re more inclined to see both sides): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZWf2_2L2v8
Exhaustion and depression is common for targets of narcissistic abuse. My suggestion is to cut contact (you can purchase Kim’s book – advertised on the above blogs) for more on how to do this, and work on yourself with a professional before it gets worse. And it does get worse. The gifts, the flowers, the holidays – that’s all part of him restarting the cycle again: back to idealistic phase. These phases will get shorter and shorter and before you know it, your self-esteem and self-worth will be destroyed. You’re better cancelling the holiday to work on yourself at this point – but I know that is a big call – we all like nice things. My suggestion instead is to offer yourself a trip once you’ve reached recovery to where ever you want to go. I headed to the United States for two months following my healing journey – it was AMAZING!!
It’s never too late to leave, Roshell – and don’t wait for the perfect time because that may never come either. Work on yourself, until you feel ok again. Every time he abandons you – spend that space building your self-esteem and self-worth in any way you can. You are NOT going crazy at all – and yes, haha, they become extremely predictable towards the point when their target has had enough. My suggestion is tread carefully but do whatever you can to break the cycle. You WILL feel ok again but you need to be patient with yourself and get the care you need as soon as possible. Kim Saeed (mentioned above) takes on clients for this work, and I do as well – my prices are available here: http://relationshipfree.com/prices
I hope this helps to get you started.
Best wishes,
Sarah.
I was in a toxic relationship for almost 3 years. It started fairly early in the relationship where it seemed like he would just switch to being a different person almost consistently like every other week every couple of weeks. It started with him calling me out of my name or just saying hurtful things. I would break up with him every time he would be as I call it disrespectful. He would then finagle his way back in with some sort of apology and I would take him back. It got to the point where he became very insecure and jealous and very accusatory towards me when I would be doing nothing wrong and I would find myself bending over backwards to convince him that I never did any of the things that he was so often accusing me of. For example he would accuse me talking to other men, entertaining other men and that would never ever be the case. It would seem at times that things would seem to be going perfectly well and then out of the blue his behavior would change toward me again of the accusatory derogatory nature. It had gotten to the point where I began to feel like I had to walk on eggshells just to keep the peace. Things would be going too good and it would always be something that would come up out of the blue that would be an issue for him. I am a very strong woman however in the course of this relationship I allowed myself to be weak because of the love I felt I had for this man. I continued to take him back each and every time he would say mean hurtful things. I have a hereditary health condition that has no cure and it even got to the point where he wished I would die do to my hereditary health condition. He later came back and said he was so sorry and he felt so bad that he regretted saying that. I have a very forgiving heart which I thank God for but at the same time I allowed someone to take advantage of that who I know and always knew he wasn’t deserving of that loyalty and that love that I had to offer because of his treatment towards me and that hope that I had in him that he would see the wrong he was doing regarding the treatment he was showing me and I hoped he would change. Needless to say you have to want to change for yourself not for anyone else and I always knew this but I hoped he would see the error in his ways and love “US” enough to make that change, but unfortunately through the course of me wanted to help him become a better person I was the one that got hurt and I can admit that I’m very hurt and I’m heartbroken. I juggle between the thoughts of I knew better AND why did I allow myself to continue to be mistreated by a man who clearly did not love me the way I loved him. I do take blame for allowing myself to continue to let this man mistreated me and no leaving sooner. However, I also acknowledge and know that I’m not to blame because this particular person did not know how to love, respect and treat me. I know it’s going to take some time for me to get over being heartbroken, but I am hopeful and I do know that I deserve better. The hard part of all of this is having to endure the sadness, the longing, and the loss of love.
Look forward to brighter days to come.
Hi April,
Thank you for reading my blog and taking the time to comment.
I have a few more things to assist with your healing journey: I’m just finishing editing and finalising my book – 100% Self Love: The roadmap to the love and life you desire and I think this will really help you as well, so keep an eye out for that over the next couple of months.
My first suggestion is to forgive yourself for staying as long as you did. Release that burden – you don’t need it. It’s done now, you can’t take it back and you’re on the right path. Learn to become your greatest cheerleader and instead of going over the bad stuff, reward yourself for going in the right direction and encourage yourself to keep going. Forgive yourself for letting him in – you’ll be wiser next time. It’s ok to make mistakes, April. You can do this by going to a mirror and saying “April, you did the best you could at the time – and I forgive you for all that you went through. I’ll make sure this never happens to you again”. Literally be there for yourself going forward as a best friend would be there for you.
Next: stop dwelling on the pain and heartache. Yes, it’s going to hurt and that’s natural and that’s ok to hurt – you’ve been through a lot. Instead try to focus forward so you keep moving away from that void he’s left behind, and this painful space you have. At this point I recommend my clients take part in some self-care or self-soothing activities. Choose what works for you. In my eBook I walk readers through how to create a self-care plan. To tide you over, Google “Self Care Plan” and see if you can find something basic that you can do. Fill in your time with as much happy, positive things that you enjoy as you can. While you’re not feeling so great, you may only have a few things on your list and that’s ok to get started – once you start to feel better, keep adding things that make you feel good to that list.
Another resource that may help is Brene Brown. If you don’t know Brene, she is AMAZING! I strongly recommend you check out her stuff. However, this talk on Blame is particularly relevant, so you lay off yourself a little: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZWf2_2L2v8
If you need assistance for moving forward and fast-tracking beyond this pain, please contact me. You can find my prices here: http://relationshipfree.com/prices
Best wishes,
Sarah.
Hey Sarah! TYSM for this article as it’s totally in accordance with what I feel now. I was in a toxic relationship that began five years ago.. it was with a friend I found on internet and I had started liking her a lot. she used to be constantly on my mind. and all I thought in free time was her. we never met till end since she was not willing to meet me. although we lived in the same city. anyhow, she and I were really good friends until when she fell in love with a guy over the internet and I realised she started to neglect Me. that guy asked her to meet him but she also rejected his meeting proposal despite of the fact that she was in love with that guy. the guy left her on new year’s eve, with a text. she contacted me through a text and said she was hurting over the break up. I consoled her and tried my level best to sooth her but she, after Some days, stopped discussing about it. on asking she said I was being judgemental regarding her relationship with that guy. I was truly hurt. I was broken at that time. i started to distance myself.
on and off she used to pass bad comments regarding my physique, may be with best of her intentions but they hurt me a lot. I started losing my good health. being with her required a lot of energy and I started losing my love for her. it was this one point I thought I need to let this VIRTUAL, this INTERNET friend go. she’s never gonna meet me and I will get nothing out of this friendship ever. it was growing unhealthier day by day. so I wrote her everything I felt about our virtual relationship to break it off. she was surely hurt. started degrading herself, abusing herself just to make me feel bad. I left her and didn’t talk to her ever. this is how I ended a worthless relationship with an insecure person. it hurt a lot but I felt better. I was just being controlled and wasn’t able to focus things happening in my real world.
Hi Marveen,
Thank you for reading my blog and taking the time to comment – I really appreciate it.
I’m sorry to hear about your experience, that sounds really hard. The hardest part of meeting someone online is that it’s far easier to fall in love with the fantasy we have of that person rather than who that person actually is.
Unfortunately when our friends or people we like and respect are hurting, there’s nothing we can actually do to take our pain away. It sounds as though you did everything in your power, however she wasn’t in the space to receive the support you had to offer. That’s ok – don’t let her hurt and pain bring you down, just give her the space she needs to heal.
Relationships are very tricky because at times it feels like friends want us to say our opinion, but when we say it and it’s not what they want to hear: they stop talking to us. What the? You did nothing wrong in being honest, the fact that she couldn’t accept your opinion is her problem more than yours.
You did the right thing in walking away from the friendship as she became manipulative towards you. Well done in having the strength to walk away and all the best with your ongoing healing journey from this experience.
Thank you for sharing with us, Marveen.
Best wishes,
Sarah.
PS: I am a female.